


Yellow

by MyJediLife



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben Solo is a rockstar, Ben plays guitar, Ben wrote a song for Rey, Character Death, Drug Abuse, Drug Use, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Kylo Ren is a Mess, Kylo Ren is a rockstar, Mutual Pining, Reunions are a bitch, Rey Needs A Hug, Rey is sick of Bens shit, Slow Burn, SwoloFic, alcohol use
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-20
Updated: 2019-09-26
Packaged: 2020-03-08 17:28:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18899296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyJediLife/pseuds/MyJediLife
Summary: Ben Solo wrote a song for Rey Sands. Why does she have to turn the radio off every time it comes on?





	1. I came along, I wrote a song for you...

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is fueled entirely by my love of Coldplay and their fantastic lyrics.
> 
> Kleenex Alert Level: Moderate
> 
> Thanks to my amazing Beta/moodboard creator for not killing me for sending her more work. Love ya, Ash! Check out her stuff here: [Azuwrite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azuwrite)!

[](https://imgur.com/s4pOzG8)

_ “Please, Sunshine? Please?” _

 

_ Ben’s eyes were pleading as he looked at her, and she wanted to surge forward, to take the hand he was holding out to her – to agree to whatever he wanted – because she  _ loved _ him with every last cell in her body, but Ben was asking her to  _ leave _ Chandrila, to leave her friends, school, her shitty job at Plutt’s Auto Repair, to travel the world with him and Starkiller as they fulfilled their dreams. _

 

_ But what about her dreams? _

 

_ Rey looked at Ben, shaking her head before she backed away from him. If this was meant to be between them, then they would find a way to make it work with her school and work schedule and his rehearsal and tour schedule. They loved each other – this wouldn’t be easy, but they could do it. _

 

_ “No, Ben. This is where I draw the line. I… I love you with everything I am. With every fiber of my being – but I can’t just leave everything behind to go on tour with you guys. I am so proud of you, this is your break, babe. I have to stay here and finish this semester, and I can’t just leave work on a moment’s notice.” _

 

_ Ben’s anger flared slightly, and he took a step closer to Rey, his lower jaw working furiously as she saw the pain of rejection in his eyes. “I… I need you, Rey. You’re my muse, Sunshine. I… I wrote this song for you – the song that got us our recording contract. Doesn’t that mean anything to you? Rey… I’d bleed myself dry for you! I meant that! Please? Please come with me.” _

 

_ “I can’t, Ben. I have to stay here. We can talk every night, though, and text. It’s only five months, sweetheart. We’ll be fine.” _

 

_ “No, we won’t be. Come with me, Rey, please? Or… or I’ll know that what we have… it doesn’t mean what I think it did to you. I’m not asking you to give up school, just push it back a little. I need you, Rey… I love you so much, I can’t do this without you. You’re the only person who can keep me calm, you know that!” Ben’s eyes were burning with need, and he was panicking, trying to convince Rey to see reason. _

 

_ Rey shook her head again. “I’m sorry, Ben. I can’t. Now go, go kick some ass and I’ll see you after the show.” _

 

….

  
  


**2 years later**

 

Rey snapped off the radio with a frustrated hiss. If she had to hear that song again, she was going to lose her shit. Finn looked over at her, raising an eyebrow as he reached across the middle console of the car to pat Rey’s hand on the steering wheel.

 

“Why don’t you give in and call him, Peanut? We both know you guys own each other’s hearts… he wrote a fucking song for you! Who does that?”

 

Rose chimed in from the backseat, “It wasn’t just one song, Finn. He wrote a lot of songs about Rey…”

 

“Would you both  _ shut up _ ?” Rey said loudly, causing both her best friends to sit back in their seats. They should have known by now that mentioning  _ him _ , or any of his  _ songs _ , was off limits. “Did either of you happen to catch the MTV Music Awards last week?” Rey’s voice was a low hiss as she navigated through the busy Hanna City traffic. “Because if either of you had, you would have seen Kylo Ren’s  _ date _ , the  _ supermodel. _ Obviously, he is doing just fine without me. Mention him again, and I will never speak to either of you again.”

 

It wasn’t like Rey didn’t think about Ben Solo every moment of every day, practically, as she went to classes for her Master’s Degree program at night, or as she navigated through her work day as an engineer for Resistance Engineering Corporation.

 

Yes, Ben Solo was seared into her soul, a brand she could never remove – not that she wanted to. She had tried dating, but when you had found the perfect man already, and you knew what it felt like to be held and kissed by him – what was the point in trying to date when all you did was compare the person to him? Rey had thought she had found her soulmate, and part of her still believed it. She would bet her paycheck on the fact that she could still finish Ben’s sentences.

 

….

 

Ben Solo came to, glancing blearily around the room as he tried to recall just where the fuck he was. He was definitely in the US again, and definitely in a city that started with a ‘S’. Seattle. He was in Seattle, he realized as he sat up in bed, rubbing his eyes. The body next to his shifted in their sleep, and Ben looked down at the naked woman in disgust.

 

She was blonde, and skinny, and everything Rey wasn’t.

 

Ben hated himself for what he had become without her.

 

Reaching over to where the woman slept, Ben shook her awake with one large hand. A smile came to her lips as she looked at him, but it faded as she heard him say, in a low, angry voice, “Get the fuck out of my room. Now!”

 

Ben watched as she gathered her clothes quickly, looking back at him, her mouth opening to say something. It snapped shut as he narrowed his eyes at her, and as she scurried out of the hotel room, one of his security staff popped their head in. “Anyone else, Mr. Ren?”

 

“No, I’m alone. Wake me the fuck up an hour before I have to be at sound check. No interruptions.” Ben lay back down on the bed, one arm stretched over his head as he tried to clear his mind. When he closed his eyes, though, all he saw was her face.

 

His sunshine. The only girl he’d ever loved. The only girl he still loved. The girl who he wrote songs for – who he would write songs for until the day he died.

 

With a sigh, Ben reached into the drawer of the bedside table, popping the top of a pill bottle and tapping out two of the pills into the palm of his hand. Looking at the round, white tablets, Ben knew they were the only thing helping him sleep, and as he downed them with a long swallow of whiskey from the bottle also on the bedside table, he wondered idly what Rey was doing. Her face was the last thing he saw in his mind as sleep took him – just like every other day.

 

….

 

“I came along

I wrote a song for you

And all the things you do

And it was called "Yellow"

 

Ben always had a hard time singing this song. Sure, he might have outwardly looked like he was singing it to the crowd, to Starkiller’s fans, but inside, where no one else knew, he only sang it for one person, hoping that somewhere – wherever she was – she would hear it and remember.

 

The memories always hit him hard when he sang this song, no matter where he was. Perhaps that was why their fans said they always felt the most emotions from him during it.

 

_ “I wrote something for you, Sunshine. Want to hear it?” _

 

_ Rey smiled at him from her spot on the couch. “Of course!” _

 

_ She had been studying for her finals, but for Ben – she would stop and listen. He was so talented, and even if she hadn’t been madly in love with him, she would have thought the same thing. She watched as he grabbed his guitar from its resting place in the corner of their living room and settled himself onto a chair. _

 

_ By the time he had finished the song, Rey had tears streaming down her cheeks. “Ben…” Rey whispered, not able to speak in a normal tone, “It’s perfect. I love it, and you, so much.” Rey stood and moved to where Ben sat, wrapping her arms around him after he set down his guitar. Their lips met, and once again Rey was reminded how lucky she was to have him. Ben Solo was her anchor in the world, the one thing she could call hers. He was her family, her home – her  _ everything _. _

 

_ “I’m calling it ‘Yellow’. You’re my sunshine, and that’s your favorite color, I know. Plus, well… those stars might shine above…but not as bright as you do. I can’t see anything else when you’re around, Rey. Just you. You are my Universe.” _

 

As the last chords of the song died away and the fans cheered, Ben knew those words were still true. Rey was his Universe, and she always would be. Without her, he was just driftwood floating in the vast nothingness of the ocean, not finding any purchase – with only the blackness of night as his company.

 

He was nothing without her, no matter how many supermodels wanted him, no matter how many groupies he fucked on the road. They could have his body for a night – but they would never have his heart. None of them held a candle to his Sunshine.

 

….

 

Rey sighed, tossing and turning in bed until she had enough, deciding she needed to just bite the bullet and be productive since she couldn’t sleep. As she got out of bed, she flipped on the television, wanting the distraction as she looked over design plans on her laptop for work.

Her phone pinged, and Rey’s brow furrowed as she glanced at the time. 4 am. Everyone she knew should be sleeping.

 

_ <Ben> I miss u _

 

Rey sighed, running a hand through her hair and pondering why she hadn’t changed her number yet, even though she knew the answer. If she changed her number, Ben would never be able to locate her if he ever got his shit together. Her heart racing, Rey stared at the screen for a long time, fighting back tears, her bottom lip left with imprints from her teeth where she’d bitten down on it in her struggle to keep it together.

 

Her phone chimed again.

 

_ <Ben> I know ur awake. I can feel u in my soul. Happy Anniversary, Sunshine. _

 

Rey knew that was the reason she hadn’t been able to sleep – the memories of today always consumed her. She and Ben had been so happy together for two and a half years. They were each other’s cheerleader, lover, friend, soulmate, and Ben had always insisted that Rey was his muse.

 

And then it all fell apart – all because of  _ Yellow _ – the song he wrote about her.

 

Rey wished he had never written the song, because if he hadn’t, he might still be here with her.

She hadn’t heard from Ben for eighteen months, since the day they ended things between them. That had been the worst day of her life, and nothing had been right since. She had watched Ben spiral out of control on  _ Entertainment Tonight _ , on video segments on late night television, and in magazines. Even his parents didn’t recognize him anymore.

 

With shaking hands and tears in her eyes, Rey typed out a response.

 

_ <To: Ben> Yeah, I can tell you miss me. Not a word in over a year, sluts on your arm at awards shows, and your band mates texting my friends telling them how drunk/high you got the night before, and how worried they are about you. That doesn’t give you a lot of time to miss me, Solo. _

 

Biting her bottom lip again, Rey looked over at her bedside table, where a small framed picture of her and Ben rested. It had been taken the night he graduated from college, at the party his parents insisted on throwing him. They had been so happy, so in love.

 

It seemed like a lifetime ago. Now, all Rey had was pictures and memories, when all she wanted was Ben. Her phone pinged, drawing her out of her reverie once more.

 

_ <Ben> You left me. Don’t much care about anything anymore. That’s what happens when your Universe suddenly implodes. I do miss u. This should be our fourth anniversary. Instead of u, I got whiskey and pills. _

 

The choking sound that left Rey’s throat when she read Ben’s text wasn’t one she had ever made before. She had hoped that maybe someday he would realize how out of control he had gotten, and fix himself.

 

_ <To: Ben> I told you what needed to happen for us to be together, Ben. Instead of trying to fix yourself, all I see is you getting worse. I know about all the groupies you bring back to your room. I see their pictures on Instagram and Twitter. Talking about how they fucked you, how good you are in bed. Do you even know how that feels? _

 

The day she broke things off with him, her Universe had imploded too. She and Ben had been everything to each other, and losing him had broken her so completely she hadn’t known if she would ever be whole again.

 

She wasn’t, but she had learned how to work with the shattered pieces, shuffling them around into something that resembled the full puzzle, but still missing a lot of pieces, pieces that only Ben could provide. To do that, he had to fix himself.

 

….

  
  


Across the country, Ben Solo sat in his hotel room, a fifth of whiskey at his feet and his phone in his hand. He couldn’t help himself when he texted Rey – he missed her so much that he had to try, especially since this was their anniversary.

 

A text alert sounded, and as Ben read Rey’s reply, his breath hitched in his throat, and he had to swallow around the lump that formed there. He knew Rey had dated, had seen the selfies of her and a couple other guys on her Instagram. Those were the nights when he got so drunk he couldn’t remember anything that happened the next day. With hands shaking from emotion, Ben typed out a reply.

 

_ <To: Rey> Yeah, I do. I’ve seen the pictures on your IG, Rey. I know you’ve been dating, plus my mom mentioned it the last time I talked to her. So, yeah, I do know what it feels like to see the person I love with someone else. _

 

A knock sounded on his door, and Ben’s head snapped up as the it opened to admit Starkiller’s road manager – Armitage Hux. The ginger-haired man clearly looked annoyed as his gaze met Ben’s. “You are supposed to be at the meet and greet, Ren. You seem to enjoy those, picking out your women for the night…” He scowled at Ben, looking with disgust at the bottle on the floor between his feet.

 

“Fine, give me ten fucking minutes, you prick. Also… could you have security ready to pull the skanks away from me? I’ll be spending tonight alone.” Ben looked at Hux, knowing the man would be shocked at his request.

 

One of Hux’s eyebrows rose, and he nodded curtly. “Consider it done, Ren. Ten minutes. Do try to be prompt?” Hux spun around, headed off to do what he was paid to do – manage.

 

Ben’s phone chimed, and he looked down at the screen, his eye twitching as he strove to stay calm.

 

_ <Rey> It doesn’t matter, Ben. You have your career, and I have mine. We made our choices. Now we have to deal with the aftermath of them. _

 

Ben scoffed, wanting to toss his phone against the wall. If he had known what music would cost him, he would have become a music teacher. That was safe, and Rey would still be in his life. They would probably be married by now, maybe even have started a family. He’d be happy, instead of cold and alone in a strange city every night – because no matter who he brought into his bed – he was always alone. The one person who understood him, who knew every last thing about him – was gone.

 

Another knock sounded on his door, and Ben knew he had to go. He typed out another reply, hoping that this one would somehow make a difference in the mess he had made of things.

 

_ <To: Rey> I wrote something today for you. “'Cause you're a sky, 'cause you're a sky full of stars, I wanna die in your arms, 'Cause you get lighter the more it gets dark, I'm gonna give you my heart…” Can we talk again soon? You might not believe it, but I do still love you. _

 

….

 

Rey told herself she would shut her phone off after sending her last message, but her hands were shaking so badly she simply set it down, determined to ignore any message that might come in. It was best that way, to keep the distance between them. Talking to Ben, even through a text message, was shattering her all over again.

 

It had taken months for her to recover last time.

 

Still, when her phone chimed again, Rey found herself picking it up and reading the message, her breath hitching in her throat before the sobs started, her heart flayed open by his words. He wrote another song for her. He still loved her.

 

Despite her better judgement, Rey typed out a reply before dissolving into tears once more.

 

_ <To: Ben> We’ll see. _


	2. White Shadows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was a fucking idiot.
> 
>  
> 
> Ben knew he was a failure. He had money and fame – but the one thing he truly wanted felt like it was a million miles away, in another galaxy. Unattainable because he was a giant-sized fuckup.
> 
>  
> 
> He just wanted Rey. Just her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks to my wonderful Beta and moodboard creator: [Azuwrite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azuwrite)! I keep her busy, for sure, so I ask of you, please go take a look at her writing. It's brilliant!
> 
> Thanks to my cheerleaders in TWD. Love you all!
> 
> KLEENEX LEVEL ALERT: Stadium Level

[](https://imgur.com/q5ilcmG)

 

**4 months later**

 

The texts always came around one in the morning – and depending on what time zone Ben was in, depended on whether she answered or not. The days he didn’t send a text turned into weeks, and then a month, making Rey feel emotionally drained. She hadn’t realized just how much those fleeting moments of contact with him meant to her. As she lay in bed each night, trying desperately to fall asleep, she found herself thinking of Ben and how he made her feel when they were together. Sure, she had dated since they broke up – but none of the men held a candle to Ben. He was the dark to her light, the hard angles to her softness, the only man she’d ever loved – the other half to her soul.

 

How hard it was, to know your heart was with someone who had no clue what he had.

 

_ <Ben> Sunshine, are you awake? _

 

Rey heard her phone chime, grabbing it before she could tell herself no and skimming her finger over the screen to unlock it.

 

_ <Rey> I am now. _

 

Rey felt the tears threatening already, her heart clenching in her chest almost painfully as she wondered how drunk Ben was this time. Normally, he was drunk or high when he decided to contact her, and Rey worried for him. She wished desperately that she could turn back time, back to the day when Ben had asked her to come on tour with Starkiller.

 

She should have said yes.

 

_ <Ben> I miss you, Sunshine. So much. _

 

Rey let the tears fall freely now, wanting to believe Ben’s words. Still, if he missed her – why hadn’t he contacted her for a month? Rey avoided turning on the television most nights, choosing instead to watch Netflix or Hulu – and turning on the radio was definitely a no-no as well.

 

Every time she did, she heard  _ it _ . The song Ben had written for  _ her _ .

 

She hated it as much as she loved it – because that song had taken away the other half of her heart, and nothing had been right since.

 

_ <Rey> That’s why I haven’t heard from you in a month, huh? I think you’re doing just fine on your own, Ben. _

 

Rey turned onto her side, tucking one arm under her head. She hated sleeping alone, because she would let the memories wash over her, letting the pain settle into her soul. She ached for Ben, for the Ben she had fallen in love with. Her sweet, sensitive, caring Ben, who had known her better than she knew herself. He was the only person who knew her past, the only person who had ever stood up for her and proclaimed to the world that she belonged to him.

 

The sad thing was – even after everything that had torn them apart – she still belonged to Ben Solo.

 

Her phone chimed, and Rey looked down at it, her heart rate picking up slightly.

 

_ <Ben> Can I facetime you? I… I just need to see your face, Sunshine. I have all the pictures on my phone memorized. Seeing you would make me feel better. _

 

Rey let a fresh slew of tears fall, her breath catching in her throat and making it hard to breathe. Did she want to see Ben’s face? Yes –but would it be Ben or his alter ego, Kylo? Deciding it wouldn’t be a good idea, just to protect her heart, Rey typed out a reply.

 

_ <Rey> Not a good idea. _

 

Ben’s response was almost instantaneous.

 

_ <Ben> Rey… please? I’m having a really hard time. I almost puked earlier because I am so stressed. I’m too stressed to even get drunk… to sleep… I’m barely functioning here. You’ve always been the one person who could help. _

 

Rey remembered Ben’s panic attacks with vivid clarity. She would come home to find him curled in a ball on the bathroom floor, sweaty and panting, his eyes wild with panic. Rey would wrap herself around him, smoothing his hair off his head and peppering his face with kisses as her hands created patterns over his skin.

 

With a sigh, Rey typed out a response, deciding that one chat couldn’t hurt.

 

_ <Rey> Ok, Ben. I look awful though. _

 

His response came immediately, followed by her Facetime notification coming to life.

 

_ <Ben> Highly doubtful. You’re always beautiful. _

 

As her screen came to life, Ben’s handsome face swimming into view through her tears, she managed to choke out a greeting. “Hi…”

 

He looked tired, his face paler than normal and the dark bags prominent under his eyes. Still, he was the most beautiful man she had ever seen, and she found her heart racing in her chest at the sight of him – the old connection between them roaring back into life.

 

She would always belong to him. Mind, body, heart and soul.

 

“Hi, Sunshine. Hey… no crying. You look so beautiful, Rey. I… I have missed you, Sunshine. So much.” Ben was sitting up against a wall, his shirt half unbuttoned and his hair falling in sweaty clumps over his face. If they were still together, she would have insisted he get it trimmed – but she was in no position to tell him what to do any more.

 

“Ben…” Rey hiccupped as she fought to keep her tears from flowing even more now.  “You look so good,” she finally managed to mumble, bringing up a shaky hand to wipe the tears off her face. “Where are you?” Rey finally managed to ask in a shaky whisper.

 

“I have no idea,” Ben replied, letting out a soft laugh and running a large hand through his hair. “It’s good to see your face, Sunshine. I… I miss you. I know you don’t believe me, but I do. I look at your pictures all the time.”

 

“I…” Rey hiccupped again, her tears sliding down the bridge of her nose and onto her chest. “I want to believe you. I… I want to believe you when you tell me that, Ben, but there’s so much between us now. We’ve both changed.” Rey looked at him, wishing he was with her, so she could kiss those lush lips of his until they both forgot that he was Kylo Ren, and she was the girl he’d left behind when his band became famous.

 

“My heart hasn’t changed. You know there’s more to us than that. You’re my soulmate, Rey. You have been since the day we met. I mean, you broke your wrist because of me, but you still agreed to go out with me. We both knew, didn’t we?”

 

Rey sobbed harder as the memory of the day they met came back to her.

 

….

 

_ Rey was late for class – her first engineering class – which she was insanely excited for. She had been fixing things since she was five, and her high school’s robotics team had gone to Nationals, helping her to secure her full-ride scholarship, so it seemed that she had chosen the perfect college major. _

 

_ It was freezing out, and she had layer upon layer on, her desert attuned body not wanting to adjust to the cold of a Chandrilian winter. As she started to open the door, it flew open ahead of her, knocking her backwards onto the ice-shrouded sidewalk. Laughter burst out from three of the four people standing over her now, and she heard one of them throwing a barb at the man who had been responsible for her fall. _

 

_ “Nice way to get a girl, Solo. Just knock her off her feet – literally!” The three people all stepped back as the man now standing above her glared at them before he offered her a hand. She took it, her face red with embarrassment and her hand throbbing in pain, every beat of her heart sending pain shooting up her arm. _

 

_ “Hey, I am so sorry… oh, shit… your wrist! I… I think it may be broken…” The man’s face paled – which was almost amusing, given that he was already pale. _

 

_ Rey glanced at her wrist, which was hanging at an odd angle in her glove. Biting back a sob as pain shot through her again, she hissed out a reply, “You think?” _

 

_ “Listen,” the man said, running a hand through his ridiculously luxurious-looking black hair, “Let me get you to the clinic, so you can get that taken care of. The sidewalks are kinda icy, and I’ll carry your bookbag and make sure you don’t slip. It’s the least I can do… I am so, so sorry.” _

 

_ “Fine,” Rey said softly, tears starting to roll down her face. The man picked her bookbag up off the sidewalk, looking at her with concern, his face growing red as he shuffled his feet uncomfortably. _

 

_ “Can… can you walk, or should I carry you?” He asked softly. _

 

_ “It’s my wrist that’s broken, you bloody wanker, not my legs. Yes, I can walk! Just get me to the bloody clinic, will you?” _

 

_ “Okay. Follow me.” _

 

….

 

“I remember. You almost killed me with a door. You know, my wrist still aches when it gets cold out? You asked me out that day. Clearly, I only said yes because of the pain medicine.” Rey managed to smile at Ben through her tears at their old joke.

 

“Exactly,” Ben said, echoing her sad smile with one of his own.

 

“Ben…” Rey whispered, “I… I just wish I had said yes all those years ago. Maybe, maybe things would be different.”

 

Ben shrugged, his eyes even sadder as he looked at her through the phone screen. “I’m sorry, Rey. For… the drinking, and the pills… the, you know, the women. I’m lost without you. I have been since the day I left. I’m like a fucking boat with no anchor, just riding the waves until I crash into something solid. I… I need you, Rey. I’ll always need you.” Tears started to slide down his face now, and Rey wanted to reach through the screen to touch him, to wipe away all the anguish she saw in his eyes.

 

Those fucking expressive bourbon eyes that she could happily drown in forever.

 

“I know, Ben. I know… I…” Rey sighed, choking back more tears. She wanted to beg him, wanted to promise him they could be together if he just gave up the women and the drugs – but it wasn’t her place to make demands of him. Not anymore.

 

“You want to say something, but you’re being stubborn. I know that look, Rey Sands. I know everything about you,” Ben said softly, sniffing and swiping the tears out of his eyes with a large hand. “Say it, please?”

 

“No. It’s not my place anymore. I can’t ask you to do anything.” Rey shook her head softly, tears still gently falling down her face.

 

“Sunshine… I belong to you. Heart, mind and soul…” Ben looked up, and Rey could hear the sound of someone knocking on his door. A moment later, and Ben’s face stared back at her, his eyes shimmering with love and longing. “I have to go, Sunshine. I love you more than the moon loves the stars. You’re my everything. Always.” Ben put a finger to his lips, kissing the tip of it before pressing it to the screen of his phone.

 

As her screen went blank, Rey realized he had never said he was hers in body too, and she tried not to sob herself to sleep at that realization.

 

She failed.

 

….

 

He was a fucking idiot.

 

Ben knew he was a failure. He had money and fame – but the one thing he truly wanted felt like it was a million miles away, in another galaxy. Unattainable because he was a giant-sized fuckup.

 

He just wanted Rey. Just her.

 

As Ben shoved his phone in his pocket and swiped the hair out of his face, he buttoned his shirt up. It was time to be Kylo Ren instead of Ben Solo – and he hated himself even more at the thought of it. Seeing Rey again had him feeling raw inside, the old wound that he tried to heal with booze, pills and pussy, open and bleeding again.

 

Nothing could ever make up for not having her by his side.

 

Since the day they met, Rey had been the calm to his fury, the light to his darkness. She was, truly, his other half. He could sing songs to the masses every night, but he would still feel empty inside without Rey. He was a ship without an anchor, truly, just waiting to crash against an iceberg and splinter apart.

 

He wished he had never written her song.

 

As he put on his fake smile for the fans waiting at the meet and greet in another room, Ben vowed to somehow make everything right again for him and Rey.

 

_ I’ll make this right, Sunshine. I can’t go through life without you. _

 

….

 

The text from Ben came in at a normal hour, when Rey was just walking in the door to her apartment after a long day at work. Nothing had gone right, a contract had almost been lost – and she needed a couple glasses of wine to compensate.

 

_ <Ben> Hi sunshine. You had a bad day, didn’t you? _

 

Rey quirked an eyebrow as she read Ben’s message, pouring herself a glass of wine as she pondered what she should order in for dinner. Ben had always been able to know how she was feeling, even without her verbalizing anything.

 

It was strange, the bond they had once had.

 

After ordering a pizza because it was the first thing that sounded remotely appetizing, Rey texted Ben back.

 

_ <Rey> Yes, I did. How did you know that? You must not have a show tonight – you’re awake at a “normal” hour. _

 

Her phone chimed a moment later.

 

_ <Ben> Rey… I woke up out of a dead sleep knowing something was wrong with you. You’re my heart. You ordered a pizza, didn’t you? Meat Lover’s with double cheese, pepperoni and double banana peppers. And, you are probably drinking a glass of red wine out of the wine glass I got you from Italy. _

 

Rey rolled her eyes, glancing at the glass she was using. How did he know her so well? Was she that predictable?

 

_ <Rey> Do you have the apartment bugged, Solo? _

 

She had missed the playful banter they had always had with each other. Sighing, Rey bit her thumbnail softly, watching for another message from Ben.

 

_ <Ben> I wish, because then I would have been near you again. I miss you. I know I keep saying that, but I do. Every moment of every day. _

 

_ <Rey> I know, Ben. Where are you today? _

 

_ <Ben> LA. Have to meet with my publicist. Gotta go, sunshine. Love you more than the moon loves the stars. _

 

_ <Rey> I know. _

 

….

 

Rey was good at waiting. She always had been. She had waited to be adopted by one of her many foster families. She had waited to turn eighteen, so she could be out of the system and free to do as she wanted.

 

And now she found herself waiting every day for a text message from Ben. When he had first gone on tour, she had received phone calls and text messages every single day. Every moment Ben had free time, he was reaching out to her. Over time, the calls and texts happened less and less, until they stopped.

 

And Rey’s heart shattered.

 

Oh, how she loved hearing his voice saying her name, and when he had sung to her in the quiet of their room at night before she fell asleep, she had melted into his arms. They had been so happy – and then he had written the song that had torn them apart.

 

_ Yellow. _

 

Rey  _ hated _ that song now. She hated that color. She hated the word.

 

It had taken Ben from her, and she couldn’t handle losing him again.

 

….

 

Ben sighed as he walked inside the sleek, glassed-in office building, his sunglasses making the hallways even darker, and the baseball cap on his head pulled down low. So far, he hadn’t really gotten much attention while making his way in to see his publicist – which was good.

 

For someone who sang to thousands of people every night – Ben hated people for the most part. They were demanding, rude, and they placed expectations on him that he never felt he could meet. He may be Kylo Ren: rockstar, on the stage, but off stage he was still Ben Solo, the kid who could never please anyone – especially inside his own head.

 

He was shown into his publicist’s office right away, the man behind the desk offering him a smarmy smile. His mother – who had been a politician and knew how to read people – would tell him that Bob Snoke reminded her of a snake, coiled and ready to strike at a moment’s notice. He had always made Ben nervous, but his manager only worked with the First Order Agency for publicity.

 

“Hello, Mr. Ren. How are you doing?” Snoke gestured towards the sleek, Italian leather chair in front of his desk, and Ben sat, nervously tapping his fingers on his leg.

 

“I’m fine,” he muttered, glad he hadn’t removed his sunglasses, so Snoke couldn’t see him roll his eyes at the use of his stage name.

 

“Your manager has finally agreed to you recording a duet with Hadden Starr – you are aware of who she is, correct?” Snoke looked at him, the smile staying on his lips, even though his eyes glittered with greed.

 

“Yeah, lead singer of Hellfyre,” Ben mumbled.

 

“That’s right. She’s been wanting to collaborate with you for some time, she’s quite taken with you. Are you single, Kylo? Or do you have someone back home? Armitage has told me you spend time talking with someone after your shows. That could be bad for your career, you know. If the ladies think you are accessible, it’s been shown to sell more records.”

 

Again, Ben was glad he had his sunglasses on as he leveled a glare at the man on the other side of the desk. Was he single, though? His heart belonged to Rey, of course, along with his very soul – but things weren’t fixed between them, and Rey had made it obvious they never could be unless he gave up his career. He didn’t blame her – he was a fuckup of epic proportions. He had cut her out of his life when he got famous, and he had slept with so many women now that Rey could never forgive him.

 

He might love her, his heart and soul might belong to her – but he could never have her again. 

He had burned that bridge.

 

“I’m single. I talk to an old friend back home. That’s all.” Ben mumbled, shifting uncomfortably in his chair.

 

“Good. Now, I have some studio time set up for you both. I’ll have Armitage send you the details. I want you to be seen with Hadden. Even if you hate her guts, Ren, act like you want to fuck her brains out in public. You’ll have a gold record for your duets then, I guarantee it. Understood?”

 

Ben swallowed hard, knowing what this was going to do to Rey. Rey – who he knew he wouldn’t be able to text or talk to for a while now, because he felt guilty inside, like he needed to rip his guts out and cleanse them in some cosmic washing machine or something.

 

“Understood,” Ben gritted out, already feeling sick to his stomach.

 

….

 

_ <Ben> Hi sunshine. I miss you. I love you.  Love you so much, I can’t tell you how much. I ache inside. I’m broken… just a shell. I’ll never be whole without you, but I am such a fuckup. I know you’ll never love me again… but I just want you to know that I will never love anyone else the way I love you, Rey. _

 

Rey glanced down as her phone chimed while she was at work, reading Ben’s text with a small smile that faded quickly away. Something was wrong, she realized suddenly. Ben was probably drunk again – he tended to be more emotional when he was under the influence. With a sigh and a slight shake of her head, Rey typed out a response, tears pricking at her eyes and her heart sinking to her feet.

 

_ <Rey> You’re drunk or high again, Ben. Go sleep it off. Talk to me when you’re sober. _

 

Her phone chimed again rather quickly, and Rey read the message, her heart continuing its descent into the sub-basement of the building she sat in now.

 

_ <Ben> I’m not drunk or high. I just needed to tell you all that, Rey. I just need you to remember what it was like before for us. And cling to it like I do. I love you. So fucking much. _

 

Rey narrowed her eyes before steeling herself to reply. As much as she wanted to tell Ben she loved him, so that he knew she still did – she reminded herself that he wasn’t hers anymore. He belonged to his fans, to the models he took to awards shows, to the groupies he fucked after each show.

 

_ <Rey> Yeah, Ben. Okay. I’m at work. Talk later. _

 

....

 

The next few weeks were a blur for Ben, as he went to the studio before the sun was up, usually leaving late into the night. A few pills washed down with Jack Daniels helped him sleep for a few dreamless hours, and then it was the same routine.

 

Hadden, apparently, was taking Snoke’s words to him to heart as well, because every night when he left the studio she was at his side, looking up at him like he was the most exciting man in the world. She was constantly touching him, as well, looking into his eyes when they were in the studio and making comments about how wonderful he was. She had even kissed him once, as they left a small café they had gotten a quick dinner at. Ben had rebuffed her attempt to kiss him again quickly, the bile rising in his throat at the wrongness of it all.

 

He wanted to puke. All he could think about was how different her touch felt from Rey’s. Rey was softness and sunshine, and Hadden was darkness and cold. They were the antithesis of the other – yet he was stuck in LA with the wrong woman.

 

….

 

Rey got into a new routine. Work. School. And in between, waiting once more for a text from Ben. While she tried to stop herself, the glimmer of hope his words had created in her heart of a future together had flared into a ray of light that started to burn in her heart and mind.

 

Maybe they could be together somehow. Maybe Ben was changing. Maybe he really did still love her like he used to.

 

When she pulled one of his old shirts out of the closet, Rey tried to tell herself it was just for one night that she wanted to have something of his close. Just one night, then she would put the hoodie he had been wearing since college back in the closet – all the way to the back, where all his old clothes were.

 

Two weeks later, she realized it was the first thing she put on when she came home from work.

 

….

 

Finn and Rose had insisted she have some bestie time, and as they slid into a booth at their favorite bar, they were all laughing at Finn recounting a story from work. Rey hadn’t remember laughing this much in months – perhaps dealing with some of her issues with Ben – and speaking to him again, had helped.

 

They ordered drinks, and as they were eating – laughing and joking around – Finn’s eyes widened, Rose’s eyes going to what he was looking at and widening as well, and before either of them could say anything, Rey turned to look at what had her friends so upset.

 

On the large television hanging on the wall, a video of Ben –  _ her Ben _ – and a woman with hair dyed a bright blue, appeared. The woman was looking up at Ben with a smile, and as she stood on tiptoe, her lips meeting his, Rey felt her heart shatter again as the entertainment reporter’s voice rang out cheerily.  _ In music news, the recording industry’s new super couple, Starkiller’s Kylo Ren and Hellfyre’s Hadden Starr, have been seen all around LA, having romantic dinners together and leaving buildings together late at night. The whole city is abuzz with the news – could we expect a duet anytime soon featuring the happy couple? _

 

Rey couldn’t see anything as she slid out of the booth, running towards the door and out onto the city sidewalk as she let the tears fall unabashedly.

 

Finn and Rose found her an hour later, curled up into a ball on her bed, sobbing like her very heart had been ripped out of chest. Perhaps it had – but Rey knew one thing. These would be the last tears she shed for Ben Solo. He was making his bed, and it was time he lie in it. He wouldn’t be able to contact her again – she couldn’t allow herself to be torn to shreds by him any longer.

 

Later that night, after Finn and Rose had decided she was alright to be left alone, Rey sighed deeply before sending one final text to Ben.

 

_ <Rey> Goodbye, Ben. I think we both know that no matter how we might feel about each other, it can never work. I hope you and your new lady have a wonderful life together. Since she is in the same business, it seems like you and her will be able to easily have a relationship. I wish it might have been different. I will treasure every moment we did have, though. Goodbye. _

 

After hitting send, Rey called her phone company, the phone number change she should have done years ago finished in less than five minutes.

 

Maybe, someday, she would be able to repair her heart. She thought she had done that already in the last year and a half, but she had been weak. Ben Solo was her personal Kryptonite, and the best thing for her was to not come into contact with it, so she didn’t fall prey to its siren’s call again.

 

….

 

Ben read Rey’s message as he left the recording studio at three in the morning. He stopped walking, Hadden ceasing her incessant chattering from beside him after realizing he had stopped and was standing absolutely still, his large fingers typing at his phone furiously.

 

“Ben?” She said softly, looking at him.

 

“Fuck off,” Ben growled, stalking away to his waiting car. He had no desire to be near anyone right now, not when his world was crashing around him again. He was going to go to his hotel, drink a bottle of booze and hopefully fall asleep. More than likely, he would just drink and stay up, ruminating on what led Rey to send that text message.

 

Was she okay? Was she crying right now, her heart shattered again because of him?

 

More than likely. He was a fuckup. He had ruined the best thing he ever had – not once, but twice. Just when they were starting to really connect again.

 

_ <Ben> Rey? Please, sunshine… please. _

 

The message that followed was the one that caused him to open the door to the limo, so that he could vomit all over the side of the road.

 

_ <Message not sent. Unknown number.> _

 

….

 

Finn did his best to keep Rey occupied, hanging around her apartment with Rose after work. While his best friend insisted she was alright, both he and Rose had been down this road with her before. She was devastated, staring blankly into nothing even when her favorite movies were on television and eating barely anything.

 

He wanted to fly to California to beat the shit out of Ben Solo.

 

When his phone rang one afternoon from an unknown number, he hesitated for a moment before finally answering.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Finn… it’s Ben.” A small part of him was gloating – because Ben sounded like absolute shit. The bigger part of him was furious, though, and that was the side he unleashed on the man who had broken his very best friend into a million pieces for the second time in as many years.

 

“What do you want, Solo? Want to drive the knife in Rey’s back a little deeper? Maybe give it a twist or two and watch her bleed out?” Finn snarled at Ben, looking around to make sure he wasn’t being overheard by either Rey or Rose, who were in the living room watching  _ 50 First Dates _ .

 

“Finn, no. Come on. I  _ love _ her,” Ben’s voice was quiet, and Finn could hear the sadness and regret in it.

 

“No. You can no longer say that, Solo. She’s devastated. Again. Because of you. That’s not love. Love is actually trying to make things work, and not fucking every mindless groupie or model you can find. Love is coming home on breaks from tour to see your girl. Love is sending her messages or calling her every day.  _ That’s _ love. Not dating the lead singer of another band for everyone to see. So, fuck off, Solo. Go date your blue-haired bitch, but you are not getting anywhere near Rey again. You’ve broken her for the last time.” 

 

Finn disconnected the call, blocking Ben’s number from his phone, and his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder for any of you sobbing... I PROMISE A HEA. ALWAYS. Be strong.
> 
> Leave comments and kudos, and mash that subscribe button if you like what you see! <3
> 
> Come visit me on tumblr:[my-jedi-life](https://my-jedi-life.tumblr.com/)
> 
> And on the twitter: [MyJediLife](https://twitter.com/MyJediLife)


	3. The World Turned Upside Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben Solo is an idiot, and Rey refuses to help him this time... for a time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my amazing beta and moodboard guru - [Azuwrite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azuwrite). I wouldn't be able to do it without her!

**"What is this feeling that I can't explain?**  
**And why am I never gonna sleep again?**  
 **What is this thing I've never seen before?**  
 **A little boy lost in a breaking storm**  
 **Hide and sob, and away they fly**  
 **To write your name in the summer sky**  
 **Life has really only just begun**  
 **Life that comes**  
 **And everything under the sun"**

**-"The World Turned Upside Down" by Coldplay**

***~*~*~*~*~***

 

Ben woke to the sound of a female voice beside him, talking on her cellphone in a loud voice. Reaching out with a shaky hand, he grabbed the phone from her hand, tossing it to the floor.

“Hey! That was Snoke on the phone, Kylo!” Hadden looked over at him, her eyes wide as he let his hand trail down her body, his thumb and forefinger plucking at her nipple, causing her to hiss out a breath with the sudden pain.

“Fuck Snoke. I need to lose myself. Give me a few more of those pills from last night, and let’s fuck some more.” Ben’s voice was low and husky, and even though he would much rather be lying next to someone else in bed, he knew that was just a fantasy now. A dream he would never attain again. He had tasted heaven, and felt what it was like to truly love someone – and he had lost it. He had fucked it all up, and all he was left with now was the bitter sting of rejection and silence.

As he swallowed two of the pills she gave him with a long pull of whiskey from the bottle, and she settled on top of his body, Ben tried to imagine it was Rey on top of him.

….

Finn and Rose were getting tired of listening to Rey cry. So tired, in fact, that they no longer turned on the television or radio when they came over to check in on her – simply because _that song_ might come on, or a show or movie that she had watched with Ben might appear.

Ben Solo had broken her so thoroughly this time, Finn didn’t know how they would piece her back together. Oh, she was still functioning – if going to work and making sure her school work was done was functioning – that is. But the Rey they had once known, the vibrant, brilliant blast of sunshine and cheer – she wasn’t there anymore. She was a shell. Hollow.

Finn hated Ben for what he had done to her.

“Hey, Peanut!” Finn called as he walked into her apartment – to find Rey seated on the floor cross-legged, a pint of Ben & Jerry’s clutched in her hands and tears running down her face. A bottle of wine sat on the coffee table nearby, and Finn crossed the room quickly, leaning down to cup Rey’s face in his hand.

“Peanut… talk to me, please.”

Rey started sobbing now, her words barely able to be made out through her tears. “I cleaned my closet. Ben… he left… his clothes… and… and… I should throw them into the rubbish bin… but I _can’t_ … because I love him, and my soul and my heart and everything is _his_ and I fucking… I fucking _hate him for it._ ”

Rey tossed the ice cream across the room, where the cardboard exploded against the wall, creating some abstract painting of chocolate, peanut butter and vanilla, sliding down the wall and pooling on the floor beneath it.

“So… so, now… I’m wearing his stupid hoodie and… and… I realized… it doesn’t smell like him anymore. I’ve fucking forgotten what he smells like Finn, and it’s destroying me. He’s destroying me and he doesn’t even care! He’s... he’s fucking that blue-haired witch and all I can do is let him. All because of some stupid fucking song I wish he had never written! _I_ _hate him! I hate Kylo Ren, because he destroyed my Ben._ My kind, loving Ben, who would rub my feet and call me beautiful and bring me home curry chicken because he knew I had a bad day and it’s my favorite thing to eat. _I want_ _him back!_ ” Finn reached down and pulled Rey up into his arms, and as she pounded his chest with her fists and she wept, all Finn could do was let his own anger at Ben simmer within him.

“Shhh, Peanut. Cry it out. You need to cry it out.”

….

Hadden giggled as she talked on the phone to the drummer for her band, and Ben rolled his eyes. They were late getting to the studio for a session, and Snoke would be pissed if they wasted a precious second of his time and money without producing another hit. Their latest duet was already at number five on the charts, and Snoke was talking about their bands touring together.

Ben didn’t care. He was just a corporate puppet now. Told where to go, how to dress, when to cut his hair, what to sing – and who to date. Sighing, he took a bottle out of his pocket, popping another white pill into his mouth before he popped open the top of a bottle of whiskey from the limo’s mini bar, downing the pill with the booze.

He just wanted to forget – whether it was with booze, pills or pussy. He didn’t care.

As long as Rey Sands existed, Ben Solo would love her, longing for her like some kind of drug that could only be sated with the touch of her skin under his.

It was maddening, loving someone who you could never have again. Oh, how Ben would give anything to go back in time, to sell the rights to _Yellow_ to some other singer and collect songwriter’s royalties instead of what he was doing now.

Living as a shell of a man, he depended on drugs and booze to get him through each day. It was no wonder Rey despised him – he despised himself.

The limo stopped in front of the studio, and Hadden looked over at him, sighing. “Ready to pretend to be happy for the paps?”

“No,” Ben mumbled as their driver opened the door, letting Hadden step out of the limo before he exited behind her, a well-placed fake grin on his face as he grabbed her hand to lead her into the studio.

….

Rey had fallen into a routine.

Jog in the morning after she woke up. Shower. Go to work. Sometimes work overtime, sometimes not. Come home, do her homework or listen to her lectures, then snuggle into Ben’s old sweatshirt and watch stupid romcoms until she cried herself to sleep.

It wasn’t much of a life, for sure, but it became her new routine.

She almost didn’t answer the door when the knock sounded at 10:30 at night on a Tuesday. As she grabbed both her pepper spray and the baseball bat, she kept behind the door. Rey took a moment to center herself, trying to remember anything from the year of Krav Maga she had taken back in her undergrad days. Peering through the peephole, though, had her letting out a long breath and opening the door.

Leia Organa-Solo had always been an imposing figure, despite her short stature, and as Rey gazed upon the only mother figure she had ever known, the woman who she had always thought would be her mother-in-law someday, she wanted to immediately fall into her arms and weep. Instead, Rey looked at her curiously before offering her a timid smile. “Hello, Leia.”

“You changed your phone number,” Leia said, stepping past her and into the apartment. Turning after letting her eyes sweep over everything, Leia offered Rey a terse smile. “So, was your next move going to be changing your address and not telling us that as well?”

“Leia,” Rey groaned, “It’s not like that.”

“Yes it is, Rey. You look like shit.” Leia swept her eyes over Rey, sighing. “You’re wearing Benny’s shirt… is he still paying the rent for this place?”

“Yes. I told him to stop when he left… when… when things fell apart. But it still comes out of his account every month, so I put the rent aside out of my check so I can pay him back someday.”

“Oh, Rey. Ben always wanted to take care of you. Why don’t you let him? He’s fucked everything else up with you… nevermind.” Leia sighed and ran a hand through her hair, and Rey noticed for the first time how stressed and worried she looked. “I came here because I was trying to call you all day,” Leia continued, “Rey… there was a car accident. Ben… he’s hurt. Han is on his way to get him to bring him home to recuperate.”

“Ben’s hurt?” Rey’s eyes widened, and she felt ice-cold panic grip her heart. If Ben was… if he died… she wouldn’t be able to handle it. Tears sprang to her eyes, and Leia rushed forward to envelope Rey in her arms, soothing her by patting her back.

“That… little hussy he is screwing was driving. They were both drunk and full of drugs… she ran off the road doing about ninety and came close to driving them off an embankment. Thank God they had their seatbelts on, or I’d be planning his funeral.” Leia sighed and released Rey before walking over to the fridge, where she opened the door and rummaged inside for a moment before lifting her head and peeking over the door. “You don’t have any wine?”

Rey shook her head. “I drank it all last night.”

Leia let out a low laugh before closing the fridge door and coming to stand in front of Rey again. “Look, sweetie,” she started, “I know Ben has things so messed up for you right now, but… well… he’ll be here for two weeks, healing. Maybe… maybe you could come see him, Rey? You guys can talk?”

“Leia… I don’t know. There’s… I can’t handle seeing him. Just… just texting and facetiming with him broke me again when he… when he started dating _her_. I have to protect myself. I love him, Leia. I love him so damn much it hurts, but he’s cruel, and he chose his fame over me. He did this to himself.” Rey ran a hand through her hair, trying to stop her tears.

She wanted to go to him already, and he wasn’t even home yet.

“Look, Rey… I want to kick his ass too. Han and I always told him that you were his balance, and we could see the change in him the day he met you. You calm him, and maybe… well…” Leia sighed again before letting her eyes meet Rey’s again. “Han and I think that something is off. Like, Ben is being influenced by someone. Personally, I have never liked his publicist and manager, Snoke. The guy is a slimeball. Maybe… maybe you could help us talk to him? He cut his leg up pretty bad and has stitches, and the label is pretty livid that they had to cancel two weeks worth of Starkiller concerts. But, if we can get our Ben back because of it, we’ll be thankful. He loves you, Rey. And I know you still love him, or you wouldn’t still be wearing his old clothes, and I bet if I look around the apartment and on your phone and computer, I’ll find pictures of him.”

Rey let out a small, bitter laugh. “Guilty as charged.  Just because I love him doesn’t mean I need to be his crutch, Leia. Again, he chose fame over me. He didn’t have to stop calling and start sleeping around, just because I refused to give up my education to go on tour with him. Do you know how miserable I would have been? I… I thought we were strong enough to make it work. I had faith in us. Ben didn’t. That’s his cross to bear.”

Leia nodded sadly before folding Rey into her arms once more. “Can I… have your new number, sweetheart? In case my idiot child does something else again that I need to reach out to you for?”

“I’ll text you it,” Rey said, pulling away finally. “Will… will you let me know when you’ve got him home? That… his… _she’s_ not going to be with him, right?”

“No. I wouldn’t allow her in my home, Rey. She’s not the one that Ben should be with, and we all know that. Yes, I’ll let you know every detail. I promise.” Leia started towards the door before half-turning and looking at Rey again. “You’ll always be my daughter, Rey. No matter what happens. Don’t keep us away, please? Han and I love you.”

“I love you both too. I won’t, Leia. Thanks for letting me know before I saw it in some stupid tabloid.”

Leia eyed her before reaching out for the door handle. “You’ll think about it, though? Coming to see him?”

Rey gulped and nodded as Leia gave her a small smile and walked out the door.

….

Rey had known she would cave as soon as Leia had asked her to visit with Ben.

Ben Solo was her drug of choice, and she had gone so long without a hit of him. She needed to go to him, needed to feel that familiar wash of his essence across her soul.

She was insane.

As she paused outside the door to Han and Leia’s home, Rey almost turned around and left, but the door being thrown open in front of her took away any chance of escape for her. Ben’s arms engulfed her, and all Rey could do was cry.

“Sunshine… shhhh… shhhh Rey. I’m so fucking glad you’re here. I need you, I need you so fucking bad.” Ben kissed the top of her head, his arms tightening around her.

Finally, after she had sobbed herself dry, Rey pulled away, looking up into the face of the man she had loved for years now. Her heart broke at seeing his face, bloodied, swollen and bruised, and as he hobbled deeper into the house on one crutch, Rey followed behind him, taking in every inch of him she could and committing it to memory. He was thinner than normal, his hair longer and more unruly, and his face looked paler than ever.

He settled himself onto the sofa, turning sideways so he could stretch his injured leg out on it. Han came over and hugged her, kissing her cheek and murmuring something in her ear about going easy on him, and how he’d be out in the garage if she needed him. Rey whispered her thanks before kissing him on the cheek.

Leia simply waved to her from the kitchen, pointing towards her home office to indicate that’s where she would be if Rey needed her. Rey nodded in return, giving her a nervous smile.

Rey settled into a chair across from the couch, glancing at the television until Ben hit the remote to shut it off.

“You look beautiful. Like you stepped out of my dreams,” he said softly, the rich timbre of his voice settling into her soul like a symphony.

“Well, you look like shit, to be blunt,” Rey said.

Ben chuckled, wincing as it pulled at his injured face. “Shit. I forgot I shouldn’t be smiling, or laughing, or… anything.”

“Yeah.” Rey was trying to keep her answers short, her fingers digging into the fabric of the chair as she resisted the urge to go to Ben, to run her fingers through his hair and pepper all his bruises with kisses – as if she could heal him with her love alone.

“Rey, I… I’m so fucking sorry. I… please, Sunshine. Please.” Ben’s eyes burned into hers, and she shook her head, brushing a piece of hair behind her ear.

“No, you don’t get to sit there, broken and bloodied, and fucking apologize to me again, Ben. You have broken me into a million pieces, over and over again, and every time I talk to you, or get near you, you piece me back together – and I let you. I let you because I keep hoping you’ll choose me this time, instead of everyone else. I keep hoping maybe I’m good enough for you this time, that our love is enough to bring you back home to me – to _us_.”

Rey let another round of tears trail down her face, sniffling before she continued, her eyes never leaving Ben’s. “But it’s not enough. You’re like everyone else in my life, Ben. You left me behind, because all I am to you is trash. I’m disposable. It’s a good thing I am used to it by now.”

Ben sat up on the couch, turning so his injured leg was on the floor now. He lifted himself off the couch, standing and limping to stand before Rey, his eyes blazing. “You take that back. Take that back _right now_!”

“No,” Rey said quietly, her eyes blazing just as intensely as Ben’s were. “I will not. I will not let you use me and discard me again. How’s Hadden? She’s such a great influence on you, we all know.”

Ben took a step back, like she had slapped him, his face paling even more and his eyes smoldering now. “I don’t want to talk about her. I don’t want to talk about any of that.”

“Of course you don’t, Ben. Because then you’d have to face the guilt of what you’ve done to me, to your parents – to everyone who loves you here. You’re not the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Tell me something… when you’re rutting into all those women, do you ever wonder what it would be like to be home, next to me in our bed? I don’t think you do. I don’t think you ever think about me, or about your parents. The booze and the pills and the sex – they are your only loves now.”

“THAT’S NOT TRUE!” Ben yelled, bringing Han rushing in from the garage at the sound of his son screaming. Ben looked up at him, spearing him with his furious gaze, and Han threw his hands up, shrugging as he backed out of the room.

Ben was breathing heavily now, sweating from a combination of the pain and adrenaline rushing through his system. “All I fucking see is YOU, Rey. In every fucking female face. And knowing… knowing you don’t love me anymore… that’s what’s making me drink and pop pills – because I don’t want to face a future where I don’t have you. Where you don’t love me anymore.”

Leaning in so his face was close to her, his hair hanging in his face in sweaty wisps, Ben’s voice was raspy as he said, “I want to be numb. Then I don’t remember how bad I fucked everything up. I… I just want you, Rey. That’s all I have ever wanted.”

“That’s not an option anymore, Ben. I’m sorry.” Rey tried to keep her voice from wavering, her eyes not meeting his. It was hard to tell him that they couldn’t be together – when it was all her heart truly wanted.

Ben fell to his knees in front of her, hissing in a breath as the stitches in his leg tore open, and as he leaned his forehead against Rey’s stomach, his arms around her torso, he sobbed loudly at the knowledge that it was over between them. As the blood pooled under his knee, soaking into the carpet, Ben let all the shattered pieces of his heart fall with his tears, until there was nothing left of him. Now an empty shell, he lifted his head to gaze into the eyes of the love of his life.

“Rey… Sunshine… I promise you. I’ll quit the booze and the drugs. I’ll… I’ll call every day. I’ll text every hour if I have to. Please. I love you. You’re my _everything_.”

Rey worried her bottom lip, her fingers digging into the arm of the chair as she let Ben cry into her stomach, each sob making her heart break a little more. She wanted nothing more than to comfort him, to take him in her arms and comb her fingers through his hair as she told him she would give him another chance.

But she couldn’t do that. She couldn’t let herself welcome him back into her heart and soul any more. She had to remain firm. Detached. Lest she let herself be pulled back into the maelstrom in the atmosphere orbiting him.

But Gods, did she love him. Even now, broken, bruised and bloodied, he was the most desirable man she had ever laid eyes on. She knew Ben Solo – inside and out – and she knew how good they could be together. That is what she wanted – not the twisted version of what they had become. She wanted her Ben back – and the only way that had a chance of happening was for her to let him go.

“No. I’m not. You don’t get to claim that anymore, Ben. At one point in our life, I believed that with all my heart. I don’t even recognize you anymore. You look like Ben. You smell like him, walk like him, talk like him – but you’ve changed. You’re a monster, bent on destroying everything in your path. I just… I can’t let you destroy me again, Ben. Do…” Rey bit down on her bottom lip, tears filling her eyes as she struggled to keep them at bay a few minutes more. “Do you love her? Is she worth losing me? Were any of them?”

Ben drew in a shuddering breath as his eyes met hers, her pain – her anguish - evident in her hazel orbs. He was the cause of it, the cause of her heart breaking over and over again. The blood on the floor might as well be hers, because Rey was right – he was a monster. He didn’t recognize himself anymore, either.

“None of it was worth it. I’d take it all back if I could, Rey. If I would have known this would happen, I would have stayed and become a music teacher. I…” Ben’s lower jaw worked furiously as he thought about how to explain to Rey why he had to date Hadden. Finally, he shook his head before hanging it in shame, his voice barely able to be heard, “I have to date her, Rey. I… Snoke wants us to. He says it’s good for publicity. I don’t even like her. She’s everything you’re not.”

“Yet you choose her, Ben. You let Snoke ruin you. Ruin us. I just… I hope it’s worth it.” Rey glanced to the door, calling for Han. As he appeared, eyes widening at the blood underneath his son’s leg, he ran to get Leia.

“It’s not, Rey. It’s not.” Ben’s voice was small and sad as Leia appeared with Han.

As Han loaded Ben up in the car to take him back to the hospital to get stitched up for the second time, Leia patted her shoulder tenderly. “Nothing worth fighting for is ever easy, is it?”

….

Rey told herself she wouldn’t go to see Ben again. She told herself she wouldn’t let herself sit next to him, or hold his hand, or touch him whenever she had the chance. She told herself she wouldn’t let herself fall back into the old routine of being with him. But, Ben Solo’s soul was like a magnet to hers, and she found she couldn’t stay away.

She would go over to Han and Leia’s after work, and she and Ben would always find themselves sitting on the couch, her fingers twined through his by the end of the night, her head lying on his chest, his heart beating strong underneath. It was a familiar sound, and Rey thought that if she were in a room of a million hearts all beating at once, she would be able to pinpoint Ben’s amongst them with little effort. Being with Ben was like breathing – it was effortless and essential. It was like no time had passed – like Ben was still an aspiring songwriter, and Rey was still his cherished girlfriend – yet they both knew their time was limited, although neither of them dared to talk about it.

Rey told herself she would stop going to see Ben after five days, yet here she was, standing at the door after a night spent sitting on the couch, Ben’s head in her lap as she ran her fingers through his hair as they talked about everything that _wasn’t_ his career. Ben was still using one crutch, and as she looked up into his eyes, Rey reached out and tucked his unruly bangs back onto his head. She didn’t know when their lips met, but when she came back to her senses, she knew she was treading on thin ice again.

She stepped back, her hand on his chest as they both panted, Ben’s eyes hungrily gazing into hers. “Sunshine… I… God, kissing you makes me feel alive again. Like… my heart is beating again.” Ben put his large, warm hand over hers, hoping she could feel it thudding away in his chest. “Rey… please… have dinner with me tomorrow night?”

Rey told herself she should say no. She should turn around, walk down the driveway and get into her car, where she would drive home and take a cold shower, watch some stupid rom-com, eat a tub of ice cream, cry her eyes out, and fall asleep on the couch. She told herself she was strong, that she could fight off the urge to spend every waking moment with Ben, because he was just going to shatter her again if she spent one more second in his orbit.

Rey opened her mouth, her eyes looking into Ben’s as his heart beat wildly under her hand.

“Yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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**Author's Note:**

> Playlist: (All songs by Coldplay)  
> 1\. "Yellow"  
> 2\. "A Sky Full of Stars"


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